Back-pocket Believer.

So, if you've read my blog, you know I'm Christian. And if you haven't, well here you go.
But the problem lately is that, well, I haven't much faith anymore. It's been really low for a while now, and I don't know what really happened. I do, however, know of things keeping me away from God. At least on my end.
I haven't been praying at all. I just haven't. I tried to start again, but everytime I start, it's like, "Why? Isn't the country in a recession or something? He's got bigger fish to fry." or "Why? I'm sure it won't go my way." or "Why? I barely believe anymore."
I have a lot of trouble believing He's up there. Really. It's like, there are so many things just going WRONG, and it never seems to be going right. There's always something out of line. I mean, I know that after camp, everything felt in place. I know things aren't always going to be like that, and I hear about how we have to "rejoice in the times of trials" and whatnot. Okay, honest question: WHO in all the Earth, dances when something bad is happening in their lives? I don't. I get pissed, scream, cry, cut, sleep, etc. I do NOT have rejoice on that list.
And then my own personal reason: Cutting. If He's up there, He knows. Okay. So I'll go into the goody-Christian mode and say that He DOES know. Well, I obviously need peace in my life. I've got things coming at me from a million and four angles, why not lend me some peace, God? Even if I did refuse to cut myself, then what? I'd still be angry, or hurt. Not peaceful. The only diffrence is I didn't take it out on my body. But I'm sure I'd take it out on other people. So what good does it do?
I'm going to Winter Retreat this year. I haven't been going to church for the right reasons, just to hang out and talk to my friends. And I'm almost sure that I really won't get anything out of it. Especially at Retreat, the theme is "I <3 Sinners!" Love the sinner, hate the sin? Yeah, so I just get people to tell me to stop cutting myself. Funn! It's my way of coping. I don't see it stoping. Read my previous post for more information about this. I'm not sure if Winter Retreat is going to change things for me or not. I mean, I just don't think I'll get anything out of it.
I'll let you know how that goes.

Stay Rad:D
-Stevie.